Taking a cue from Fox News and other Conservative media outlets that regularly just make shit up - like The Onion or Free Wood Post, but instead pretending what they make up is actually true - I’m going to start doing a series of Fox News-ish Mad Libs. I’ll take a story, replace a bunch of the words with blanks, and just let you make shit up yourself. It’ll be fun, and you can feel like a real Fox News journalist! Here’s today’s and my first shot at this. Have fun!
Taking a cue from Fox News and other Conservative media outlets that regularly just make shit up - like The Onion or Free Wood Post, but instead pretending what they make up is actually true - I’m going to start doing a series of Fox News-ish Mad Libs. I’ll take a story, replace a bunch of the words with blanks, and just let you make shit up yourself. It’ll be fun, and you can feel like a real Fox News journalist!
Here’s today’s and my first shot at this. Have fun!
TREASON: BREAKING News :Obama gave $500 MILLION For Weapons To __________________ (random terrorist group) Used On Our Four Dead Americans In Benghazi.
Benghazi attack could have been prevented if US hadn’t ‘______________________’ (any Obama policy) and allowed $________ MILLION of weapons to reach _____________ (random group) militants, reveals damning report.
_________________ (any real-sounding fake committee) on Benghazi claims the US government allowed arms to flow to al-Qaeda-linked militants who opposed ___________________ (random ousted or hate Arab leader). Their rise to power, the group says, led to the Benghazi attack in 2012. The group claims the strongman _____________________ (same Arab leader) offered to ______________ (fun verb) his presidency, but the US ______________________ (random potentially totally unrelated act). The commission, part of the center-right ______________________ (just make up some Right Wing Group, but make it sound official), concluded that the Benghazi attack was a _____________________ (just anything at all) and US Ambassador Chris Stevens was to be ______________ (exciting verb) and traded for ‘blind sheikh’ Omar Abdel-Rahman, who hatched the ___________________ (any terrorist incident or Obama policy) plot.
The _______________________ (same fake committee) on Benghazi, a self-selected group of former top _____________________, _______________ insiders (could be anybody you think sounds cool) and think-tankers, declared Tuesday in Washington that a _________ (does it matter?)-month review of the deadly 2012 terrorist attack has determined that it could have been prevented – if the U.S. _______________________ (anything you want here from Obama policy to something to do with Hillary Clinton’s hair).
‘The United States switched sides in the war on terror with what we did in ____________ (Arab country, knowingly facilitating the provision of weapons to known ____________ (random bad guys) militias and figures,’ ______________________ (random name of fake person, a member of the commission and a former ___________________________ (fake title), told MailOnline.
She blamed the Obama administration for failing to stop half of a $1 billion United Arab Emirates _________________ (noun) shipment from reaching al-Qaeda-linked militants.
‘Remember, these ______________ (plural noun) that came into Benghazi were permitted to enter by our _____________ (random group) who were blockading the approaches from air and sea,’ _____________ (name from earlier) claimed. ‘They were permitted to come in. … [They] knew these ___________ (plural noun) were coming in, and that was allowed..
‘The intelligence community was part of that, the Department of __________ (any department will do) was part of that, and certainly that means that the top leadership of the United States, our ________________ (official sounding office) leadership, and potentially Congress – if they were briefed on this – also knew about this.’
The weapons were intended for ________________ (Arab leader) but allowed by the U.S. to ___________ (exciting verb) to his Islamist opposition.
The White House and senior Congressional members,’ the group wrote in an interim report released Tuesday, ‘_____________ (random adverb) and _____________ (random adverb) pursued a policy that provided material support to ___________ (pick one) organizations in order to topple a ___________ (position of authority) who had been working closely with the West actively to suppress al-Qaeda.’
‘Some look at it as treason,’ said _________________ (name) , a former CIA ___________ (random position) who participated in the commission’s research.
Retired Rear Admiral ____________________ (name), another commission member, told reporters Tuesday that those weapons are now ‘__________________’ (random place or condition).
‘________________ (Arab leader) wasn’t a good guy, but he was being marginalized,’ he recalled. ‘He actually offered to abdicate’ shortly after the beginning of a _______________ (pick random event).
‘But the U.S. __________ (run verb) his calls for a truce,’ the commission wrote, ultimately backing the ______________ (event) that would later help kill a U.S. _______________ (authority position).
The Rear Admiral said that the effort at truce talks fell apart when ________________ (government official declined to let the _______________ (government agency) pursue it seriously.
‘We had a leader who had won the Nobel Peace Prize,’ he said, ‘but who was unwilling to give ___________________ (noun) a chance for 72 hours.’
________________ (Arab leader) wanted only two conditions to step down: permission to ____________________ (random activity) in the Islamic Maghreb, and the lifting of ___________________ (plural noun) against him, his family, and those loyal to him.
The ____________________ (random government office) did not immediately respond to questions about the group’s findings.
‘We don’t claim to have all the _____________ (plural noun) here,’ said ________________ (name), whose center-right group __________________________ (name of group) sponsored the group and its work.
‘We hope you will, please, __________ (verb) this,’ he told reporters. ‘Check it out. _________________ (fun verb) us.’
(channeling my inner Stephen Colbert/Bill Maher love child, “Stephen Maher”; tongue firmly in cheek)
to the geeks, the freaks, and especially the weak;
to the fag hags with their Gucci bags;
to the crazies, the lazies, the homeless men and women
tipping the election blue so they can enjoy four
more years of the bliss that is poverty;
to the gays trying to raise our kids to be perverts
and have sex with animals and aliens and designer shoes,
while priests sing the blues and rape boys in back rooms;
to the Muslims coming door to door to tell us more
about their man Allah, asking for a dollar, and offering us that
lil booklet called the “Watch Minaret”, aka, the Obama “Bible;
to the cranks in houses of lordly pranks, casting their
righteous flock against the zeitgeist of the Anti-Christ;
to the union and their ill-gotten ilk, sipping mocha lattes heavy
with milk, the assembly line purrs along dropping seventy-ton
armored boxes onto highways and byways, powered by owls;
to the coal miners - no whiners - marching into the darkness for
another day of black lung so the terrorists don’t win, a sin;
to the corporate raiders in their waders, fishing for trout
while all about them companies are sold for parts by old farts
so women in China can work for pennies in a shop non-stop;
to the chicks with dicks, the she-males and split tails, the
trans-thoughtful, the awful that have fallen from the path of God;
to the blacks, the illegals making tracks, finding a cozy ghetto,
a pimpin’ barrio, where they can rob rich white kids whose GPSs
cause driving messes, easy pickings for the upwardly-mobile thug;
to the clueless white folk who’ll now choke on their votes,
it denotes a lack of FOX News knowledge, drop-outs from college,
and an aversion to certain perversions, namely the Right path;
to the dishonorable, the intolerable, the heartless, the smartless,
the worthless, penniless, and sweetheartless, the lonely souls
smoking bowls, who lost the day and opened the way to four
more years of a brighter day.
I am not writing to you as a black #voter, or a #woman voter, or as a voter who is over 70 years old and six feet tall. I am writing to you as a representative of this great country — as an American.
It is your job to vote. It is your responsibility, your right, and your privilege. You may be pretty or plain, heavy or thin, gay or straight, poor or rich.
But remember this: In an election, every voice is equally powerful — don’t underestimate your vote. Voting is the great equalizer.
Voting has already begun in some states that President Obama needs to win. So please use this handy tool to make sure your friends in those key states know where to cast their ballot. You will be doing them a great favor.
As a country, we can scarcely perceive the magnitude of our progress.
My grandmother and my uncle experienced circumstances that would break your heart. When they went to vote, they were asked impossible questions like, “How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?” When they couldn’t answer, they couldn’t vote.
I once debated with the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. about whether an African American would ever be elected president. He believed it would happen within the next 40 years at the time — I believed it would never happen within my lifetime.
I have never been happier to have been proven wrong.
And since President Barack Obama’s historic election, we’ve moved forward in courageous and beautiful ways. More students can afford college, and more families have access to affordable health insurance. Women have greater opportunities to get equal pay for equal work.
Yet as Rev. King wrote, “All progress is precarious.”
So don’t sit on the sidelines. Don’t hesitate. Don’t have any regrets. Vote."
From an Obama campaign email by MAYA ANGELOU.