“You’re blowing it with Fox News,” Jobs told him over dinner. “The axis today is not liberal and conservative, the axis is constructive-destructive, and you’ve cast your lot with the destructive people. Fox has become an incredibly destructive force in our society. You can be better, and this is going to be your legacy if you’re not careful.” Jobs said he thought Murdoch did not really like how far Fox had gone. “Rupert’s a builder, not a tearer-downer,” he said. “I’ve had some meetings with James, and I think he agrees with me. I can just tell.”
since i stopped being a bad boy and tried to just stay out of trouble, wait for a great relationship to come my way, work on some kind of “quality” to my interactions with people — whatever that means — i’ve been bored stiff, lonely and mostly miserable. i don’t feel alive. i feel totally dead inside. i’m not motivated to do anything other than a little writing, and even then i barely feel a spark. i barely feel like anything is happening. it’s like i took this whole huge part of me and locked it away thinking that if i become this really “good” guy, then i will find some really great love and live happily ever after or something. i really don’t have any idea what i am/was trying to do, but i do know that i’ve been mostly not happy for the last three years, and i don’t feel passionate about anything. i don’t work out. i don’t eat well. i sleep maybe more than i should. i don’t feel energetic, and i often find myself sitting home alone wondering what the fuck i am doing. it doesn’t seem natural, this false sense of “correctness”, or whatever it is that i thought i was trying to be. not that i was a bad guy. being a bit of a bad boy and being a bad guy are entirely different. i was never mean or an asshole or anything, but i was free and open and felt alive, and my fucking writing was hard and fast and passionate, and there was tons of sex, and i felt good about myself. i kept thinking i needed to become a drunk — so many good writers were, or they at least had a major vice that helped drive them — but i think i’ve finally hit on what my fucking problem is. i’ve killed my soul out of trying to create some false sense of righteousness or “correctness”, and i’m fucking tired of it. i want to yell and scream and do crazy things. god, i could be fucking a porn star who lives in NYC, a smoking hot babe who is smart and creative and interesting, and she wants to fuck and hang out with me because she thinks i’m all that, and i have been putting her off because of this weird phase i’m going through. well, enough of that. enough. i’m tired of trying to pretend to be something i just can’t be. i’ve been broken and i’ve been repaired, but there are cracks, and i’m fine with that. i’m just going to relax and enjoy. i’m tired of being what i’ve been — unhappy. life is going to do whatever the fuck it wants to do, so why shouldn’t i?
Do You Suffer From Decision Fatigue? NYTimes.com
Great life lessons here.
Relevant to my life.
sadly, it seems i’m giving up on sex and women for a while. i’m just worn out from all the wasted energy and time and money. i can’t find anyone with a clue around here, no one that’s been anywhere, done anything, honestly knows who they are and what they want, not even enough about their bodies to really know how to really screw. there are too many inexperienced (in all respects) or sheltered women around here who just don’t know what the hell they are doing, who they are or what they want. they only know cheap beer and expensive shoes, not the world, not books, not politics, not life. i don’t want to be the gateway to the world, a “daddy” or a guide. i want to be an equal, and that’s becoming increasingly impossible. that said, if there’s anyone that i find fascinating, aware of who she is and totally in touch with her sexuality, not to mention well-traveled and full of life experiences, it’s a friend who lives in New York and who is a porn star. she seems smart, knowledgeable, experienced (in life and love) and interesting, not to mention she’s hot. i wonder. may have to drive to New York soon.